Rest
let's be real. I'm not very good at rest. I am good at being lazy and watching NCIS for an entire day, even though I've already seen every episode multiple times. But intentional resting? I'm not so great at that. But that's where I find myself.
I was actually really looking forward to this season because the last one was so tough. so busy. so much work and so demanding, that the idea of only having one major time commitment sounded so wonderful. And for the first several weeks, I really did love it. My stress level has gone down significantly and it's so freeing to wake up and realize that there's not really anything I have to do and there aren't any deadlines looming. A part of me really misses the work I was doing during the grad program, but thankfully I still find my daily (nightly) job really fulfilling. I've had several great patients and families the last few weeks, so that certainly helps on the job satisfaction front.
But I can't help but think that there's something else I should be doing. Like I love my job, but I don't always want to go do it, and I can tell that my heart is yearning for something more. The catch is, that I don't really know what that something is. There are a few things I'm interested in, but I haven't found a way to turn them into a full time job, and none of them feel right enough. And more than anything, I feel like I should be resting. So I'm trying to be more intentional about it. I've started seeing a therapist regularly to work on some areas of personal growth, and one of my goals for the year is to work on hospitality and opening our home more.
I think the real thing I'm struggling with is contentment. I keep asking what I should be doing next- how I should be using the education I worked so hard for- and all I'm hearing is wait.
waiting sucks.
there is an edge of anticipation, like whatever I'm waiting for is going to be so great and perfect and mind-blowing that it will be absolutely worth it, but when I have no freaking idea what that thing might be, the waiting just feels tedious. wasteful, even. and I know that's a pride issue. I like being able to talk about the great things I'm working on, and working on myself seems like a let down. But it needs to happen. I probably use the busyness to avoid dealing with some of my underlying personal issues, and this period of waiting is forcing me to face those head on, which I know is good, it's just not all that fun. I just have to keep telling myself that waiting is part of the preparation too, that timing matters and eventually it will all make sense.
I was trying to decide on my way in to work tonight if the fact that I turn 30 this year is weighing down on this restless feeling and I can't make up my mind. I don't think I'm dreading getting older- if anything, I'm looking forward to my 30s and all that they'll hold, but maybe the significance of another decade gone by is making things feel heavier. If you had asked 15 year old Vickie what 30 year old Vickie would look like, I don't think it would be this, but I wouldn't say I'm disappointed in how things turned out by any means. Because what 15 year old knows what real life is like anyway?
I was actually really looking forward to this season because the last one was so tough. so busy. so much work and so demanding, that the idea of only having one major time commitment sounded so wonderful. And for the first several weeks, I really did love it. My stress level has gone down significantly and it's so freeing to wake up and realize that there's not really anything I have to do and there aren't any deadlines looming. A part of me really misses the work I was doing during the grad program, but thankfully I still find my daily (nightly) job really fulfilling. I've had several great patients and families the last few weeks, so that certainly helps on the job satisfaction front.
But I can't help but think that there's something else I should be doing. Like I love my job, but I don't always want to go do it, and I can tell that my heart is yearning for something more. The catch is, that I don't really know what that something is. There are a few things I'm interested in, but I haven't found a way to turn them into a full time job, and none of them feel right enough. And more than anything, I feel like I should be resting. So I'm trying to be more intentional about it. I've started seeing a therapist regularly to work on some areas of personal growth, and one of my goals for the year is to work on hospitality and opening our home more.
I think the real thing I'm struggling with is contentment. I keep asking what I should be doing next- how I should be using the education I worked so hard for- and all I'm hearing is wait.
waiting sucks.
there is an edge of anticipation, like whatever I'm waiting for is going to be so great and perfect and mind-blowing that it will be absolutely worth it, but when I have no freaking idea what that thing might be, the waiting just feels tedious. wasteful, even. and I know that's a pride issue. I like being able to talk about the great things I'm working on, and working on myself seems like a let down. But it needs to happen. I probably use the busyness to avoid dealing with some of my underlying personal issues, and this period of waiting is forcing me to face those head on, which I know is good, it's just not all that fun. I just have to keep telling myself that waiting is part of the preparation too, that timing matters and eventually it will all make sense.
I was trying to decide on my way in to work tonight if the fact that I turn 30 this year is weighing down on this restless feeling and I can't make up my mind. I don't think I'm dreading getting older- if anything, I'm looking forward to my 30s and all that they'll hold, but maybe the significance of another decade gone by is making things feel heavier. If you had asked 15 year old Vickie what 30 year old Vickie would look like, I don't think it would be this, but I wouldn't say I'm disappointed in how things turned out by any means. Because what 15 year old knows what real life is like anyway?
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