Pandemic Thoughts
I've been forcing my students to journal their thoughts and feelings for weeks now, but I haven't written a single word for myself. The habit tracking line for "writing" in April is completely blank, even though I know how good writing is for my mental health. Today, in an effort to postpone writing and giving a lecture on Injury Prevention and Workplace Safety, I started reading old blog entries from when I was a senior in college, ten years ago. And I realized it was nice to have a record of what I was feeling and experiencing during that specific time, so I spent 15 minutes figuring out how to best access this website again, and started a new post.
Here's the thing. I am feeling all the things about this global pandemic, and it's hard to organize them all. My brain seems to be working overtime in an attempt to though, because it's not even quiet while I sleep- I've had some crazy dreams in the last few weeks. Last night I was finally called up to play on the USWNT and was going to earn my first cap, but I kept losing my cleats. And they kept calling me "the kid" even though I'm older than most of the current players. I woke up before I actually got to play.
I feel guilty for a lot of things right now- for not being on the frontlines in a hospital caring for COVID+ patients, for "only" being a teacher right now, for getting my lectures and slides up later than I had originally planned, for being so "behind" on grading that it feels like I might not ever finish, for wanting to take a nap basically all the time because my brain is tired, for still having a job that is paying me to work from home, and a dual-income-no-kid household that won't feel the financial strain that so many other people are dealing with now and for years to come, for feeling overwhelmed when I really only have to worry about myself and my dog, and sometimes my husband, and lots of other people are trying to get work done while they keep little humans alive and entertained and learning remotely. Like, I get it. I know how lucky I am to be in this exact position in this time in life. I don't really think I could be in a better position, actually, given the circumstances. But it still isn't easy.
I am so heartbroken for those who are losing loved ones, and for the people who are dying alone because visitors aren't allowed- thinking about it makes my heart actually want to fall apart. And the caregivers and nurses and doctors who are going to have such PTSD from treating all of these patients and watching them die over and over again, and feeling obligated to stay in the room as much as possible because they know they are the only human contact those patients have, during such a time of suffering, as they struggle to breathe, knowing full-well that the more time they spend near their patients, the higher their own chances of testing positive and perhaps ending up as patients themselves. I think about my new baby nurses that I sent into the world a year ago and how they are working in the ED and ICUs barely able to manage doing the job because it is so much knowledge to gain without a global pandemic going on, and how they haven't developed the boundaries and coping skills yet to really be able to deal with everything that is going on. I think about the people who have lost jobs and subsequently health insurance and are now extra afraid to get sick because even if it doesn't kill them, it's going to bankrupt them, and they can't afford their rent or food, let alone the hospital bills that will come, even if they never actually recover. I think about how this is really putting the highlight on the ways our society and healthcare system values certain types of people more than others, even though in reality we are dependent on those lower-paying "essential" jobs to keep the world running, while the rest of us bitch from behind a computer in our home offices about how my dog won't stop whining when I'm trying to record a lecture or meet with students virtually. I think about the people who are stuck quarantining with abusive partners, or unaccepting family members or just plain old assholes and what this isolation is doing to people who are already feeling lonely and unloved and worthless.
What my brain wants to do right now is design a "Building Caregiver Resilience" course to offer as an elective next Spring, but what it needs to do is finish the slides for "Injury Prevention and Workplace Safety" so that I can post the lecture by the end of the day.
Here's the thing. I am feeling all the things about this global pandemic, and it's hard to organize them all. My brain seems to be working overtime in an attempt to though, because it's not even quiet while I sleep- I've had some crazy dreams in the last few weeks. Last night I was finally called up to play on the USWNT and was going to earn my first cap, but I kept losing my cleats. And they kept calling me "the kid" even though I'm older than most of the current players. I woke up before I actually got to play.
I feel guilty for a lot of things right now- for not being on the frontlines in a hospital caring for COVID+ patients, for "only" being a teacher right now, for getting my lectures and slides up later than I had originally planned, for being so "behind" on grading that it feels like I might not ever finish, for wanting to take a nap basically all the time because my brain is tired, for still having a job that is paying me to work from home, and a dual-income-no-kid household that won't feel the financial strain that so many other people are dealing with now and for years to come, for feeling overwhelmed when I really only have to worry about myself and my dog, and sometimes my husband, and lots of other people are trying to get work done while they keep little humans alive and entertained and learning remotely. Like, I get it. I know how lucky I am to be in this exact position in this time in life. I don't really think I could be in a better position, actually, given the circumstances. But it still isn't easy.
I am so heartbroken for those who are losing loved ones, and for the people who are dying alone because visitors aren't allowed- thinking about it makes my heart actually want to fall apart. And the caregivers and nurses and doctors who are going to have such PTSD from treating all of these patients and watching them die over and over again, and feeling obligated to stay in the room as much as possible because they know they are the only human contact those patients have, during such a time of suffering, as they struggle to breathe, knowing full-well that the more time they spend near their patients, the higher their own chances of testing positive and perhaps ending up as patients themselves. I think about my new baby nurses that I sent into the world a year ago and how they are working in the ED and ICUs barely able to manage doing the job because it is so much knowledge to gain without a global pandemic going on, and how they haven't developed the boundaries and coping skills yet to really be able to deal with everything that is going on. I think about the people who have lost jobs and subsequently health insurance and are now extra afraid to get sick because even if it doesn't kill them, it's going to bankrupt them, and they can't afford their rent or food, let alone the hospital bills that will come, even if they never actually recover. I think about how this is really putting the highlight on the ways our society and healthcare system values certain types of people more than others, even though in reality we are dependent on those lower-paying "essential" jobs to keep the world running, while the rest of us bitch from behind a computer in our home offices about how my dog won't stop whining when I'm trying to record a lecture or meet with students virtually. I think about the people who are stuck quarantining with abusive partners, or unaccepting family members or just plain old assholes and what this isolation is doing to people who are already feeling lonely and unloved and worthless.
What my brain wants to do right now is design a "Building Caregiver Resilience" course to offer as an elective next Spring, but what it needs to do is finish the slides for "Injury Prevention and Workplace Safety" so that I can post the lecture by the end of the day.
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